Since this weekend is dedicated to furthering our understanding of a scriptural marriage, I thought it only appropriate to continue with that theme.
We believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God and that it is sufficient to equip us for every good work. In fact, one of my favorite hymns is “The Bible Stands”. Consequently, whenever I encounter a problem that afflicts the soul, I believe that the solution lies in learning and following the whole counsel of God. We must search the scriptures and make the application.
I begin to become concerned when I see brethren coming up with extra-biblical “cures” for spiritual ailments. This occurs in several different areas, but it is perhaps most prominent in the teaching on marriage and family. While I can see where sound Christian marriage counseling could be very helpful, marriage counseling based on secular views vary greatly in quality (and in some cases, fail). More importantly, all of it pales in comparison to the word of God. If Christians want to treat such counseling as a side dish, fine, but they must not mistake it for the main course. That main course consists of all Biblical teaching about human relationships. Too often, some Christians behave as though the only texts about marriage are Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-7, and the like. We know this is not the case.
For those with “eyes to see”, the list of relevant passages on the marriage relationship is far longer. In fact, many verses of biblical ethics apply to our marriages. If we cannot seem to manage to treat our spouses in a Christlike way, I believe it calls into question the sincerity of our godliness in every other area of our lives. James would ask us if the same spring can send forth both sweet and bitter water. A bad marriage is a fundamental and potentially soul-destroying problem for at least one spouse, and I know we can do better, if we choose.
Sadly, Christians in difficult marriages commonly use this truth as an opportunity to pin all the blame on the other spouse. Forgive my assumption, but I suspect that most of the time, brethren go to marriage counseling because they want to get their partner “fixed”. I imagine, they often try “DIY” counseling and berate their husband or wife for perceived failings.
This is exactly backwards. Christ does not call us to control others. He calls us to submit to His control. We must also make an effort to exercise self-control, as it is listed among the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23 (But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law), as well as a quality of an elder in Titus 1:8 (but hospitable, loving what is good, sensible, just, devout, self-controlled).
He also warns us in Luke 6:37-38 (“Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned. Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure—pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.”) that according to our standard of measure, we will also be measured. We are on notice that if we harshly judge our spouses, God will treat us the same way. Unless we are James’ “hypothetical perfect person”, able to bridle both our tongues and our bodies, our desire to improve our marriages amounts to the familiar call to improve ourselves in our Christ-likeness and strengthen our relationship with God.
At this, I can almost hear thousands of voices cry out in outrage, “But what about them?” What about them, indeed? Conveniently, the Bible gives us instructions for handling a spouse who is not merely engaged in questionable behavior but is clearly and actively sinning. One appears in I Peter 3:1-2 (In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.)
The way for a wife to win over a disobedient husband is by submission and godly living, all without a critical word being spoken. While I see this as a hard pill for the human to swallow, it is the way. Furthermore, this text does not exist to provide moral cover for a “well-I-tried-that” refusal to obey in the present and future. The passage addresses women specifically, but it is also excellent advice for men.
Along similar lines, consider the relevance of Philippians 2:14 (Do all things without grumbling or disputing) to marriage. To some, this might be one of the more shocking verses in the Bible. Of course, we know when Paul says, “Do all things without grumbling or disputing,” he is not simply exaggerating only to make a point. He actually does mean for us to do that!
It is not hyperbole. It is a commandment, and its edge is sharp for some of us. If you want a better marriage, you know what you can do? Do not argue with your spouse. If they invite you to a fight, lovingly and respectfully decline the invitation. Do not grumble to your spouse. Do not grumble about your spouse. If you obey even this one verse, I bet your marriage will be better, if only because it will contain less bickering.
There are many, many other passages with equal relevance to our marriages. Some can be challenging to follow. In fact, they are quite difficult at times, which is why many Christians sadly do not honor them. Unfortunately, it is much easier to complain that our husband or wife is toxic, narcissistic, and difficult, than it is to make an effort to improve.
Lastly, even if we do what is right, our godliness is not guaranteed to win over our spouse. Some Christians are married to people with hearts like rocks. They will stubbornly pursue evil all the days of their lives to their ultimate spiritual destruction. If so, nothing we can do will change them, and we must continually pray for them. We do not imitate Christ because it is always effective in influencing others, though it is probably more effective than anything else. We imitate Him because it is the right thing for us to do. Even if godliness does not lead to a better marriage, it invariably leads to glorifying God and closeness to Him. When we are tested in our marriages, I pray He helps us to steadfastly seek Him!